Baby loss

Christian perspective

The bond that a parent has with an unborn or newly born child is extraordinarily strong. But for some the pregnancy has no happy ending and the resulting emotional pain can be devastating with common themes being shock, numbness, tears, and questions such as: How and why did this happen? Is it my fault? Will it happen again? Why has God let this happen?

It is important to ‘stay’ with these questions. A strong theme in the Bible is that of lament and that God promises to be with us in our pain. The question ‘why’ cannot always be answered but pouring out our concerns, heartaches, grief, and anger to God is something the Psalms encourage us to do. Finding faithful friends to be alongside and support us in that can be a great help, as can remembering significant anniversaries and special dates when they are missed.

These Bible verses speak of God’s hope even in such desperate circumstances:

(Jesus said) “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these…And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them. (Mark 10:13-16)

(God said) “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine” (Isaiah 43:1)

Muslim perspective

Undoubtedly the loss of a child is one of the greatest calamities upon the one whom it befalls. Allah reminds us through this verse in the holy Quran: “And certainly, we shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits and glad tidings are to those who have patience “(2.155). We can also seek comfort from the Prophetic narration in which it states The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “When a person’s child dies, Allah asks His angels, ‘Have you taken out the life of the child of My slave?’ They reply in the affirmative. He then asks, ‘Have you taken the fruit of his heart?’ They reply in the affirmative. Thereupon he asks, ‘What has My slave said?’ They say: ‘He has praised You and said: (We belong to Allah and to Him we shall be returned).’ Allah says: ‘Build a house for My slave in Paradise, and name it the House of Praise”

In the Quran it mentions. “Allah does not burden any soul with more than it can bear” (2.286)

Humanist perspective

Every new human child is a fascinating combination of genetics that is entirely unique.  They have huge potential to be a unique personality not only within your family, but in the world. But this will never be, as the gap they leave will be a mere glimpse of the life you might have had with them. Your grief is immediate, but also reverberating into the future in the gap they will never grow into. Unfair and painful as the circumstances are, may you find a way to understand and absorb their brief presence in your life.

Sikh perspective

Losing a baby is a very devastating time. Gurbani reminds Sikhs time and time again that this life we are blessed with is very short. Time is not guaranteed. We should never take it for granted that we will continue to live. The loss of a baby brings all sorts of emotions, as death generally does. Anand Sahib reminds us time and time again of life, why are we here, what is the purpose? What are you doing to make sure you make it a good life? Though it may be difficult to accept at the time Gurbani reminds us that soul that resided in the baby has completed another one of the cycles of life. All be it in a very short space of time. Some episodes of life are harder to face as we may not use faith as a guide.

Quote “He himself unites, and he himself separates” “Whatever is pre-ordained by destiny, cannot be erased.” GGS ang 1044, Guru Amar Das Ji

Hindu perspective

Hindus believe in Prarabdha (destiny) to achieve or lose something. It requires Purusharth (efforts or actions) though for Prarabdha to function. Every child is a gift from Ishwara. A gift is not ours to command but to accept. Sometimes, due to various factors (including Prārabdha, destiny) that prove to be beyond our capacity to change, that gift may not reach fulfilment, or it may be curtailed somehow. When this is so, graceful acceptance is the way forward along with sincere, frequent prayers for the welfare of the soul lost to us and for those bearing the loss.

Any loss in one’s life is considered as the account of relationship with that individual in this material world is over. It can be short or long. If a baby or child dies the Hindus consider as there was that much duration of interaction with that individual mutually in their destiny decided by all mighty Ishwar (Bhagwan or lord). Hindus accept that even though it is very painful to lose a dear baby, however, the suffering of the child comes to an end. The suffering of the parents, seeing the suffering of the child, also comes to an end.

Buddhist perspective

In the sadness of your baby is not able to keep their human body, it may be helpful to sponsor the recitation practice of the Buddha Akshobhya. Several communities, both in Asia and in the West, offer this kind of recitation but your priest may be able to offer deeper instructions.

Jewish perspective

Bible tells many stories of the death of children – most famously the death of the first child of David and Batsheva (2 Samuel 12:15ff) where David prays and refuses to eat or to engage with others while the child is dying. But for the parents of a child maybe the most direct portrayal is that of Jacob who believes that his beloved Joseph is dead and then finds that his youngest child Benjamin is in deathly danger. Jacob tears his clothing – a tradition we still follow at funerals – and he refuses to be comforted. The tearing of the clothing (which we are not permitted to sew up afterwards), is an outward sign of the continuing and permanent tear in the fabric of our lives because of the death of a loved one.

In the story of Jacob’s grieving for Joseph, we have an insight into the unique grief that is the loss of a child. Jacob carries the loss with him, it is reignited when it seems Benjamin too may be lost. He cannot be comforted, but will carry the pain for the rest of his life. And Torah gives us a particular word for the parent who has lost a child – Jacob describes himself as becoming “Shakh’ul” – not merely bereaved but bereaved of a child. We have particular words for those who mourn different special relationships – a widow/er for one who has lost a partner, an orphan for one who has lost a parent, but only Torah gives a word for a parent who has lost a child.

Jewish tradition does not mandate the full mourning rituals for a child who does not live in this world for 30 days, but there is nothing to stop us adopting and adapting these rituals – they are not mandated simply because in the ancient world infant mortality was much more common and so people might find themselves in perpetual mourning. It is possible to hold a funeral (often there is separate section of the cemetery dedicated to such burials), and to have rituals of grief and mourning that are meaningful to the parents and close family of the child.

Pagan perspective

There is no right or wrong way to respond to the loss of a child, but you may find it comforting to call upon Gia the earth mother for help. As a mother she understands the pain you feel. Ask her to hold you as you come to terms with your grief, and ask the All father to give you strength to deal with this situation. It may help you to ask a chaplain or friend to lead you in a guided meditation, when you can visit the small one you have lost, hold the baby in your arms and speak of how you will never forget and will always love the precious small soul and that one day you will meet again. Remember it is important also not to isolate yourself from the others who love you and may also be grieving.

Jain perspective

Every living being has a fixed life span whether young or old. The child’s Ayushya (life span) karma has come into effect. Chanting of Namokar mantra and prayers will help to bear the loss.

Regret Jainism teaches us to repent for our wrongdoings that may have harmed other living beings. Seek forgiveness from all.

Baha'i perspective

“That beloved child addresseth thee from the hidden world: “O thou kind Mother, thank divine Providence that I have been freed from a small and gloomy cage and, like the birds of the meadows, have soared to the divine world—a world which is spacious, illumined, and ever gay and jubilant. Therefore, lament not, O Mother, and be not grieved; I am not of the lost, nor have I been obliterated and destroyed. I have shaken off the mortal form and have raised my banner in this spiritual world. Following this separation is everlasting companionship. Thou shalt find me in the heaven of the Lord, immersed in an ocean of light.””

(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, p.171)